What are the top five best lessons you’ve learned from marriage?
Here are 9 Lessons Written by Mark Collins on “Quora”
Let us know your point in the comments.
1. Don’t ever lie to your spouse.
In the 42 years we’ve been married and 50 years I’ve known my wife, I’ve never once lied to her. To the best of my knowledge she has never lied to me. I believe if one has to revert to lying, the relationship has bigger issues. Plus by not lying, I don’t have to worry about keeping my stories straight because there aren’t any stories. Real men or women don’t lie to their spouse.
2. Make any skeletons in your background known to your potential spouse before you get married.
We had been dating for some period of time when one evening my future wife tearfully said “there is something I need to tell you about and scared this will ruin our relationship.” After she got done explaining her secret, I thought for a minute and said “I would have been more surprised if what you said had not happened, I’m good with what you said and I understand. I then said well there’s something you should know about my background. After sharing my skeleton, her response was “oh, that’s ok with me.” We have no secrets. Real men or women bare their soles to their potential spouse before ruining someone else’s life,
3. Learn to fight fairly.
In our early years, if I complained about something my wife did and I thought wrong, I would get blasted with the last 6 months of things I did wrong. This would leave me flabbergasted, speechless, and end the disagreement because my mind would be spinning. Psychology calls this dumping. My wife was extremely proficient in this method of battle. I finally went to a counselor as I couldn’t continue this way, along with some other issues I felt we had. Eventually I got my wife to come with me. We learned to stick to the issue at hand and address anything else another day.
4. Sex
I realize health issues prevent some couples from participating. But if you are with holding from your spouse because your mad that’s a sad situation. I can only speak from my experience, but I still find sex emotionally and physically satisfying, desirable, and healthy. Unlike some men, I have never expected my wife to “put out” anytime I wanted sex. Even before we were married, I got more enjoyment, thrill, and fascination watching her response than my own. That still remains true today. We are in our late 60’s and still have sex at least weekly. It’s still as exciting and hot as it was the first time but even better.
5. I am not sure what to call this one so will just call it Emotional Support.
For years it was a given and expectation that I was the emotional rock for my wife. No solutions for issues were wanted or desired just listen to her. After a number of years it occurred to me that I didn’t have a rock, my rock was more like an emotional pebble. Her response to me would usually be “it’s not that big of deal or just get over it.” Anything to change the subject. (Bear with me, the following does tie together.) We come from similar social and economic backgrounds except that I have 2 college degrees and she didn’t attend college. Her father told her and her sisters that women should only be secretaries as they are just going to get pregnant and stay home. All three believed this and so were secretaries when my wife would have loved being a teacher. Why she didn’t go off to college on her own I don’t know. Anyway, we came home one evening after visiting friends where the college thing came up yet again. I had heard this for 30 years so decided we were going to do something about this tonight. I fired up the desktop PC, no (iPhones then), and I logged into the local community colleges website. She asks “what are you doing?” I answered “your going to college” sit down here and pick a class. She starts with “what about…”. I said “we can afford this, I know how to cook dinner for myself, and I want this for you.” Five years of night classes and she has her Associate college degree. So how does this tie together? It has caused her to think and respond much differently about everything including herself. She has come up with solutions for something I might have been having a problem with. Like why didn’t I think of that? More importantly to me, is my emotional pebble is turning into my rock. I’m far more willing to share my feelings as I’m finding I’m not going to get pushed away as she really does have a new level of empathy. It’s tough being a real man because real men do have feelings. I love this woman to pieces.
6. Profanity towards your spouse.
I have never, ever sworn at my wife even though she created a huge problem for us years ago. Any spouse, man or woman, that belittles their spouse with profanity Is lower than whale shit! Real men and women don’t swear at their spouses – ever.
7. Maintain a few individual interests for some personal me time.
Occasionally my wife will ask to participate in one of my activities and I’m okay with that. I will sometimes ask her for more details about what she is working on and she is happy to give me an update.
8. Keep your relationship issues within your relationship unless you are seeking counseling.
I can only think of one time where I said something about an issue we were having. That was to someone I worked with who had a similar problem. I only said “I know how you feel because ….” I’m pretty sure my wife would never say anything to her friends. either.
9. While not something I learned being married, it’s one of my unbendable rules.
Physical violence against either spouse is an absolute DEAL BREAKER. Run don’t walk and never look back. If they will do it once they will do it again. This applies to the husband or wife. Someone that can attack their spouse has some deeply rooted issues and doesn’t deserve you. Run don’t walk and don’t ever ever look back. When my oldest daughter’s boyfriend ask me about marrying my daughter, I told him ok. Then proceeded to tell him if he ever laid a hand on her there was no place in the world he could hide, I will find you. I’m 6’4” and close to 280 pounds. Pretty sure he knew I was serious. When the second daughter’s boyfriend approached me about marrying her, I said “have I got a story for you.”
